@KevinFarzad: Before college, I didn't know what I was doing with my life, but now I'm confident I have no idea what I'm doing.
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@PaperWash: HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times. -I say as I climb through your window
@ehdannyboy: Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He's outside looking forlorn. Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it's there u prick
@TheDailySchmuck: I was dating this girl until I found out she stuffed her bra with tissue paper. Then I was hooked because serious allergy issues.
@mrnickharvey: Son: What are caterpillars afraid of? Me: It's unlikely that they experience fear. They're not self-aware, so... Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.