*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
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I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Inside you there are two wolves
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.