Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
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Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.