Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
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It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753