Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
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Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”