[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
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Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich