[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
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The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
We’re all getting idioter.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform