Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
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I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.