[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
You Might Also Like
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Unimpressed
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Ken is short for chicken