Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
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I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
…żyje?
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.