[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
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“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.