Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
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Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between