@walkerwalt: Before encouraging everyone to "do whatever makes you happy," ask if anyone is a sadist. Don't encourage the sadists.
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@BeCoco77: He told me he was my daddy during sex. Then he acted all weirded out when I started crying and asked him to pay off my student loans.
@Reverend_Scott: "Can I take your order?" Wait, take it where? "No, not-" I haven't even given you my order yet "I mean-" WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
@audipenny: When someone tries to argue with me I'm like "hey pal let me stop you right there" and then physically turn them around to face someone else
@briangaar: A 13-pound baby was born in GERMANY?? C'mon Mississippi, this is why we keep you around