Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
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The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Never ghost your hitman.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Battery falling down a hole
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
For anyone who needs this today
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.