Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
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The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
early stone age tool
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun