Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
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in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Running your mouth is not cardio.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*