Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
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”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.