@weinerdog4life: Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
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@AngelaEhh: It's that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions. Kids... I meant my kids.
@mrjohndarby: Parole officer: Come in and take a seat [me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
@bobvulfov: DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be