Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
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If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.