Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
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A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.