message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
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ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Dune (2021)
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
#SuperBowl
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
motivation
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.