@TheThomason: Before handing your wallet and wife's necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
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@BeagirlNJ: Top 5 things to ditch in 2017 5. Debt 4. People you don't like 3. Facebook 2. Drama 1. The bodies
@MaraWritesStuff: BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That's not very Thanksgiving-y. ME: Well, it's about family...
@GABBYdaAngSaya: Me: I think we need to break up Her: Now is not a good time Me: Okay *we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
@ArfMeasures: ME: The mugger...he called himself "Antman" SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper* ME [shaking] omg that's him!