Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
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Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
My blood type is coffee.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.