[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
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You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Some people were born into their job.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
My last name is Zilla.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.