It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
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I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Breaking news:
i actually laughed 😩
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.