Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
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I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh