@jwoodham: Before I do anything important, I always ask myself "would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?"
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@jergarl: *goes to bank Me: Hi, I need a loan. Banker: How much and what for? Me: Seventy three thousand. I'm making guacamole for the super bowl.
@XplodingUnicorn: Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister? 3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
@YUCKYBOT: Can you guys give me the names of some famous athletes and prisoners? I'm making a pros and cons list.