Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
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[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job