Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
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[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
My kitchen overserved me.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
#CatsOnTwitter
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)