Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
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Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
“No way.” -Jose
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”