Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
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Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*