Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
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I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
im 7 sauces long
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁