@Jake_Vig: Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
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@Mr_Kapowski: Me: Want me to bring coffee up to bed? What my wife said: If you want to What I heard: If you want to live
@FullMetalMommy: My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids. Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he'd brought home a girlfriend.
@Reverend_Scott: [job interview] What's ur greatest strength? "I wear too much cologne" No, I mean- "A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator"
@Brianhopecomedy: Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I'll sleep in the other room.