@Jake_Vig: Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
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@WilliamAder: I'm no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
@CackleClub: My right eye wouldn't stop weeping all day until I said BE A MAN YOU FREAK and now it's just drinking beer to hide it's feelings
@rickygervais: A Christian telling an atheist he is going to Hell is about as scary as a small child telling an adult they wont get any presents from Santa
@daemonic3: [on phone] "Press 1 if you're a huge nerd" "Press 2 if you're a virgin" "Press 3 if y-" STOP TALKING, DAD! I'm trying to call Xbox support