Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
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Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
he’s doing your taxes
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush