@Jake_Vig: Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
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@scorpicpanda: Me: "OMG, my abs are so sore!" 12: (sarcastically) "What abs?" Me: "The abs hiding under this protective layer of you're grounded."
@Underchilde: If you’re going to insist I get you a wedding gift, then I’m going to insist you bail me out when I get caught shoplifting it.
@torrami: Rules for being a good neighbor: 1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS 2. Don't forget rule number one.
@daemonic3: Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers' carryon bags, but they went over their heads