Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
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OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Single and childfree like Jesus
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?