Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
You Might Also Like
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
I think the cat got the dog high.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
They’re stuck in your pants?
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”