@Dadpression: Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
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@DaddyBeerGuy: Child protective services? Who's protecting the parents Huh? WHO'S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
@JennyJohnsonHi5: Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn't have an earring.
@CourtneyBale: Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I'm gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
@djdarrellripley: Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you? *Whirls Around* Me: I'm not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I'm drinking!!