Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
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The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
screw you
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me