@Dadpression: Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
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@steveolivas: If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
@maisonshouting: HER: I wish I lived in the 20s ME: no u dont HIM: right bc they had no womens rights M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
@pizzasauceboss: *wakes up early* *goes for morning jog* *calls wife to pick him up because he's made a terrible mistake*