Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
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Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.