Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
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[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.