@MarieLoerzel: Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
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@iFluff8: Millions of people are killed every year because they didn't check behind the shower curtain first. Be smart. Peep before you poop.
@Procaffinator: Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
@joejwest: ME: You've put on weight DRACULA: No I haven't. Prove it ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into? DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload