Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
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Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
A duv-egg? In this economy?
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.