Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
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I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.