@LuluLanternFish: Before I really understood sarcasm people would say things like "oh, well look who it is" and I'd be like "it's me Karen, I'm your daughter"
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@ArfMeasures: ME: One time I was attacked by a shark REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
@sara_ashlynn: Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
@Eagle_Vision: When I was 16 years old, the morning of my birthday, my parents tried to surprise me with a car, but they missed.
@DaHess1: I told my dentist I wanted whiter teeth so he named them all Bryce and moved them to a gated community.