So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
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Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Rt to bother an English speaker
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Cucumbers Anonymous
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?