Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
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Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*