Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
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Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL