Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
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Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.