[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
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“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.