Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
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My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
See..?
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My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.