[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
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I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
My favorite female superhero
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.