Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
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Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Thursday Thought.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.