Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
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A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.