[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
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“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty