Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
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am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁