I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
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Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
hi why am I like this
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
How to make infinite energy.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein