Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
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My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying