Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
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Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Someone just threatened to call me later
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
This tweet has been deleted
*sewing*
A thread
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim